There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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