Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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