dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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