Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
