I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
