The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
