I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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