Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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