i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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