omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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