nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
