I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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