By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
