i just had sex bonerless
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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