Pants 0. Shit 1.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
