God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
