Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
