omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
