naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
