I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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