just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
