He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
