just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
