I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
