4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
