This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We're using joints as your birthday candles
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
