I saw his package. It spoke to me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
