dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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