Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
