It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
