Say something about gay babies.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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