do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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