peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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