remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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