He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
