quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
