Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
