I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
