It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
