Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
