is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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