were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
