I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
