If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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