You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
