I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
