ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
