theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
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