Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
