I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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