I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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